365

It's been a weird year.

Truly, just one of the weirdest 365 days I could ever imagine. Aside from my personal issues and recovery... I mean...WOW. A lot of horrible, disturbing, and disgusting things have happened across the world. And obviously my country, America, is experiencing a truly polarizing experience with the recent election. And I would say that all-in-all the general energy throughout 2016 and coming into 2017 now has been extremely negative. I am also one of those crazy people who thinks that we all will unite again, eventually. It may just take 4-8 years...

---srsly aliens, wya?

But it has been an entire year since I had brain surgery. I still can't believe it. The journey since January 27, 2016 has been so interesting. And now my life is very close to the way it was before, with just a few changes. And before I go on, for anyone reading who is not my friend on social media I DO NOT HAVE ANY SIGNS OF TUMOR REGROWTH FROM MY 1 YEAR FOLLOW-UP MRI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I got very lucky and have been an exceptional patient, probably ideal really --- because well, most of the people who get astrocytomas are either lil' kids or pretty old people --- and here I am just living my life again. I'm not trying to brag here... I'm just astounded at the incredible beauty that is science and modern medicine... and I'm so happy I can use my hand and walk and remember things and just... live.

I think I said all the feeling was back in my scalp but that was a lie, I found a little numb patch today but it is very, very small. My anxiety has decreased significantly, it is at a point where I hardly think about it at all. Still in really crowded areas or high traffic areas I am kinda freaking out... And it also seems I've developed some road rage since I started driving again (I think I scare Jordan). -But have y'all driven in New Orleans??? Seems I'm a bit sassier in all aspects of my life actually which is interesting because I've never been an extremely aggressive person. Really, now, I just don't put up with other people's bullshit as much and I never pressure myself to do things I really don't want to do or have the energy for. I will say that the whole experience has put a huge damper on my social life. But I have stayed connected with most of my friends and I'm trying to make more time for them in the future.

The medication doesn't have the same effect on me anymore either, which is to say that I no longer live in a fog and I don't feel perpetually exhausted everyday...there are some days where I do have to fight myself to get things done though. The Keppra is definitely working, the few auras that I did have over the last year happened at times when I wasn't sleeping well, or when I was stressed out and I never had a true seizure. My neurologist did say to track the auras... which I have been, and that if they happen regularly enough we will likely have to increase the medication dosage (from 2,000 mgs to what? I have no idea. I can only assume my brain is very excitable). All-in-all I had probably about 15 auras in the last year and the last one I had was November 21. I think the biggest trigger for me is definitely sleep, but I also haven't pushed my limits on drinking or stress either. Dealing with having seizures will always be a learning experience, but my few friends who do have them act like they're no big deal. Maybe one day I won't be afraid of having a seizure anymore, but I still am at this point in my life. My neurologist actually recommended I see a therapist to learn to cope with the stress of epilepsy and the fact that the brain tumor could grow back at any time. I did consider it but haven't made a decision about it just yet. It's hard being indecisive.

Most of the vertigo is also gone... I am not sure it's even vertigo, it's just a dizziness that happens when I move my head up and down too quickly (which is vertigo lol). But healing has allowed me to finally be active again. Still struggling to go to the gym 4 or 5 days a week, but I have a schedule and I've been sticking to it. My hair has also grown quite a bit where the incision was... and it has been hilarious watching it grow back, especially since I have thick, curly hair. The "shorties" as I call them have a mind of their own and they're hard to manage. I can finally tuck them behind my ears. But usually it looks like I have puffy little blonde horns sticking up off my head... I catch people staring at them quite often and whole time I just think "oh god... what are my shorties doing right now" and it's usually something weird.

Work is also going very well, I do still struggle with finding words (or what a psychologist may call the "Tip of the Tongue" phenomenon except it happens constantly) but it certainly isn't like it was. Or maybe it is and I just don't care anymore. The real issue is, is that when I do have a brain fart I can't go around and tell everyone "sorry I had brain surgery and sometimes shit gets jumbled up in my brain"... and... sadly... seems I still can't remember a lot of people. To be perfectly honest, I really have struggled with recognizing and remembering people's names and faces ever since my sister was murdered. I always thought it was because we met literal 1000s of people every day, but it is just stress. Stress is also the reason I can't remember as many words. Stress is a hell of a drug.

All in all, my feelings about the recovery and seizure disorder in general is that I have control over it. I rarely have those days where I feel "seizurey" and when I do I just take it easy and the next day I usually feel better. And I really didn't think I would say that or feel that way ever in my life. But some things really are mind over matter. I know I have thanked everyone about 16,000 times but THANK YOU so much to everyone who has checked in, listened to me complain, or even just read the posts. My family, and my friends (and colleagues because they are forced to be my friends whether they like it or not), and Jordan and his family have been and continue to be such a solidly strong support system. People always ask me how I stay so strong and it's really because I have positive energy and love lifting me up... even when I don't want it to. I'll go ahead an end this post with a throw back picture from day 2 after my surgery. They had finally moved me out of the ICU and taken the catheter out... good times.