Back to Reality

It's been a while since I've written a blog post. I've missed this blog and writing about my experience, and I do have a few updates and things to share. I didn't even realize I hadn't posted in a while because I'm back in the "real world" and it really wasn't until a colleague and a friend of mine mentioned it that I was like "oh yeah, it's been 3 weeks since I've posted" and to quote my colleague "you haven't blogged in a while, how do I know how itchy your head is?" hahahaha I can't stop laughing at that. For the record... it's still very itchy. VERY. ITCHY. And people keep catching me while I'm patting it. And on a positive note, my numb spot is becoming smaller and smaller everyday, although most of it is still very numb. Buttttt, parts that I couldn't feel a few weeks ago are recovered... and itchy.

Other people literally cannot believe I had brain surgery less than 3 months ago, I keep telling them it's because I'm a superior healer (which actually isn't true... Thanks a lot periods, I LOVE losing iron every month) and because I only lost a handful of neurons. To be clear, I'm not sure exactly how much actual brain tissue I lost but it wasn't very much. Probably no more than the amount you lose on a long weekend filled with mimosas and martinis and not enough sleep. Well, maybe a little more... but you get the point. I'm feeling a lot stronger, now I'm strong enough to be up to doing most things but I'm so out of shape and soft all over hahaha. Every woman's dream. The one thing I do notice is that my stamina is fairly low, I can go "full force" into something ... but only for about 15 minutes before I have to stop ... or get distracted. My memory seems to be getting better, although I'm still losing certain words, especially in conversation. --- Like, instead of using the word "drain" I might say "that covered hole that water goes into from the tub" and people look at me and they're like "uhhh... the drain?" and then we laugh together like it's a funny joke, because it is funny but it's also because there's a hole in my brain. That precious little hole. I do have these moments of "blankness" where my eyes basically cross and I lose complete focus. Jordan calls it "checking out" and he can tell by the look on my face when I do it. It can happen at any time - in the middle of a conversation, for instance. Concentrating and staying on task are now things that I'm working on hahaha. I don't feel that bad because these are things that people struggle with without brain surgery soooo... But I do actively have to try to pay attention. My headaches and anxiety are so much better. I rarely get headaches now, sometimes at the end of a particularly long day or in the morning if I didn't sleep well... and my anxiety only occurs in really really crowded places. I even went to the mall last week, and did perfectly fine. My sleeping seems to improving as well, although I have been taking a melatonin supplement before bed but I'm averaging about 7.5 hours a night on any given week which isn't half bad.

I worked out for the first time since my surgery last week. Well to clarify, Jordan brought me to the gym and he lifted a bunch of weights and I walked around a track and got on the elliptical for 20 minutes. But this is a huge accomplishment because the last time I got on an elliptical, I had 2 partial seizures after. So I'll take it. One of the biggest fears I have about being active again, is pushing myself. Anything that stimulates me also makes my hand feel weird, which makes me worry about losing control, which makes me hold back. And really.. the scariest thing about epilepsy is probably the fact that you don't have complete control. Hopefully I'll grow beyond this fear, and I know that I probably will but it's really tough constantly worrying about what will trigger my next episode, or if there will even be an episode again. Especially since I really don't know if my next seizure will be a full-blown tonic clonic seizure or just a little hand spasm or something else. And the truth is... if I do have another seizure... so what? I can't stop it, and I won't even know it's happening if it is a grand mal because I'll black out. But it's still scary to think about. But to try and counteract that fear I have been biking a bit (ok, really only twice), kind of walk-jogging, I got on the elliptical and now there's no turning back. I've been walking a looooooooot, a whole lot. I've been having to uber to work a lot more because it's not always easy to get a ride in the mornings so I've been walking home after work, sometimes. -- These past few weeks have been the rainiest weeks in history so it's sometimes hard to get somewhere on foot.

Well...This is my 4th week back at work, work is going well. I have proctored a few exams (meaning a literally sat there and watched adults take a test), which requires little skill but I had to stand and speak in front of a group of people -- which was one of my fears because I didn't want to black out -- or seizure out. For the first class I proctored, my hands were literally shaking as I was passing their exams out because I was so nervous about just being there.. But trust me... it's not the students that scare me anymore, nor is it the possibility of getting something wrong or not knowing the answer to the question. It's really just the fear of not wanting to lose it. I'm going to have to write about the first time I taught sometime because it is hilarious and kind of sad... To make a long story short, I didn't know what the hell I was doing and I was absolutely terrified. Prepared on the material, but no idea how to conduct a class, especially not a lab. Anyway, back to work stuff ... I also subbed for a class and taught a little bit. It wasn't about something I know intimately well but I did get to help students along the journey to find the right answer. I also couldn't give them answers because they were doing graded work for another professor but I told them some stuff I knew about muscles. This week a class is dissecting sheep brains so I am going to be sitting in on that later today! We get to dissect a lot of stuff (remind me to tell you about my office-mate with a jar of kitten heads). I scheduled my summer classes so I will be teaching!!! If anyone in the area needs to take a Nutrition class or Anatomy and Phys. II, hollaaaaa atcha girl. I'm excited to get back to teaching, it's so much fun.

A fun thing I did was have some wine and stay up a little too late with 3 of my best friends 2 weekends ago. They came in for a concert and to go skydiving (neither of which I could do) but we also got to spend a lot of time together. They got pretty tipsy and we had some wine and champagne. One thing I have been thinking about is how to pace myself and adjust to not being able to go wild anymore. And I didn't feel pressured to drink more or less... I very easily stuck to my glass and a half of wine or champagne. The good news is, I'm a VERY cheap date now. Sunday morning we had some mimosas... 1 and a half mimosas later I was drunk and they were all just looking at me like... "we don't feel tipsy at all" hahahaha. And even better... even though I had a little bit of booze two days in a row I did not have a hang over, nor did I have a seizure the next day. So I can still be a little fun, I'm just not going to be taking tequila shots or funneling beers anymore (I know, I shouldn't be funneling beers anymore because I'm 28 but I live in freaking New Orleans).

My THREE month mark is coming up next week and I can't believe it. For all the stress and tears and money and time... it's been a very steady climb back up (or back down off the mountain top, really). Luckily I am pretty young. One of my latest irrational fears is that the tumor will grow back when I'm a little older and it will be much harder to heal and get back to normal. But, truly, the worst part about my life right now is constantly worrying about seizures, not being able to drive, and not being able to take baths. As "first world problem" as this sounds... not driving is a massive burden. I don't know how people do it. I really don't. They must plan out their whole day based on when and where they can get a ride. A lot of cities have very poor methods of public transportation and New Orleans is no different, especially if there's no access to the street cars... which of course there isn't in my neighborhood. And I could take the bus... if I want to leave 3 hours before I need to be at work (that I live less than 3 miles away from). But my options right now are: asking someone to come pick me up and bring me (which my lovely friend at work does often), biking (which is probably a little dangerous), walking (which takes 40 minutes but I am lucky to be able to do), or ubering. Generally speaking, I uber in the morning... which really isn't so bad. But yesterday, there was a convention in town so my normal $5 or $6 fair was $12 instead. It's not really an issue of money though more than having no real control over when I get somewhere and when I leave. It's either a nice long walk, or waiting on a friend or Jordan, or trying to direct an uber driver around our campus. Our campus is an massive issue because none of our parking lots connect, and the uber app drops the GPS marks at the wrong building all the time. I had a mini meltdown about not driving last weekend because I'm just tired of depending on other people. It's nice but it's also hard, especially because I really like to do my own thing and now I can't... to a certain degree. And not taking baths... oh noooooo, I miss my human soup soaking time.


I finally haven't seen any doctors in about a month. They're all incredible and I respect and appreciate them, but I was so tired of going from one doc to the next to the next. I do see my neurologist in June for a general check up, and to make sure I'm not feeling anxious or seizurey but life is definitely good again. I know I'll be very familiar with hospitals for the rest of my life but I never want to stay over night in one ever again. I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the month. For all my teacher friends out there... only 3 weeks left until a blissful summer. Unless you're teaching summer classes/school.. then only 3 weeks until we get 3 weeks off before classes start again!!