Six Years Without Mickey: healing is hard when your sister is popular

A preface: this is more of a post about me complaining about what it's like to experience a national missing person case and not about my sister. But of course, it revolves around my sister.

As may 19th approaches every year, it always brings a mixture of emotions and thoughts about how much my life has changed in the last 6 years. And what is even more unusual is that my family is joined by 100s of other people every year as we mourn the loss and memory of my sister. I know it's been said a million times, but Mickey did not deserve to be murdered and she doesn't deserve to be treated like a cash cow now... because what happened to her was a tragedy and not a sexy story.

In 2012 when Mickey was missing the worst part was not knowing where she was, if she was cold or hungry or sleeping or in pain. It really was like a movie, I stood still while the world moved around me. I had nightmares where all I could hear was screaming and I would wake up in cold sweats. I would stay up all night, not sleeping for days, reading every single blog and website relating to her. We even hired a psychic that is extremely famous to help us find her... of course she was completely wrong and she never sent my sister's possessions back, but that's besides the point.

And then when we found out what happened to Mickey, the worst part was filling in the small details that we didn't know. As much as you try and stop yourself, we all imagined the last moments of her life over and over and over again. I still find myself dreaming of it sometimes, and it's horrible to say the least. And obviously, we have to rely on information given to us by her murderer. Because, how can you trust someone that murdered your loved one to tell the whole story? And he did give multiple stories... so we will never really know exactly what happened, outside of what the evidence told the police.

As time has passed, things get easier and I even find myself feeling completely normal most days and it's shocking because when you suffer a loss like that, you don't think anything will ever be normal again. And you don't think you'll ever be completely happy again. I am certainly not my whole self, and I don't think my family or her friends are their whole selves either. Because a loss like that takes pieces from you, but dealing with a loss like that publicly and having it take 3 months to conclude, takes chunks out of your soul. You don't get those pieces back, you just keep replacing the bandaids. Luckily, most of the time I think all of us think about the good times that we had with Mickey, not what ultimately ended her life.

One thing that makes it very hard to forget about what happened is the media. I recognize that this was a very public case and that we were very open about everything we experienced while Mickey was missing and just after she was found. But my big question is, why do people think it's appropriate to approach you out in public and cry to you about what happened. Or see you walking down the street while you're shopping and scream "Mickey Shunick"? Or corner you in the bathroom and tell you details they know about the man who murdered your sister? It's mind-boggling to me. It's one thing when people say "hey you and your sister are awesome" or "hey I knew Mickey" and they tell you a funny story. But it's another thing for people to approach you with the look of pity on their face... because I don't think we should be pitied. My sister fought for her life, and she kicked her attackers ass... he just happened to have a gun, and she didn't. This whole scenario would be like random people reminding you of the worst thing you've ever experienced on the few occasions you aren't thinking about it... but it happens over and over and over again forever. However, I can't change my face and if you haven't noticed, Mickey and I could have been (fraternal) twins. Clearly I was born with a much bigger head than she was.

I'm trying to express this without sounding like an asshole. Because I truly do love and appreciate the support that we continue to receive, it's just a double edged sword. Especially when I've tried time and time again to channel that energy into other missing person cases and people don't always want to move in that direction. And trust me, I know, that if it's weren't for our community, we wouldn't have found my sister and she would still be considered a missing person. But you know what, we did find her, and there are still COUNTLESS missing person cases open in our communities. It's time to concentrate on those.

I've almost written this blog post so many times, but it's always when I'm angry about something dealing with Mickey. Guess what, I'm super angry right now. Because one of the problems with having a public missing person case, is that people think they own that story and that it's free to tell however they see fit. Media companies, authors, and producers seem to think that our personal tragedy makes a really great story. And I cannot express the level of disgust I feel toward those people. I know it's their job, and they have to ask, but the way they do it is inappropriate. In fact, I would say my biggest regret is making my sister's case so public (not that it was my decision, it just sort of happened). The other side to that is, if we hadn't made my sister's case so public, we wouldn't have found her. It was tips from the public and the constant stream of information from our campaign, the media, and the police and allowed us to solve her case. Since we did make it so public, and I'm her big sister, and I became the "face" of the campaign... my job is still to make sure people don't mess with Mickey. Trust me when I tell you, the fierceness I had while she was missing hasn't gone away, and it has only gotten stronger. If I end up getting sued for libel one day.. so be it... and good luck, because I'm a teacher with health issues that also runs a nonprofit for free.

And the worst part about all of this is, Mickey's case, and everything that happened to her, is public knowledge. So legally, my family and I can't stop anyone from writing a book about her, or making a movie, or making some shitty television show about her. A high school friend of mine is a lawyer and he said they were in the process of getting a law to pass that would allow family members to posthumously take on all PR rights of their dead loved one but it hasn't happened yet. When a company approaches us, all we can do is refuse to participate and beg her friends not to so they can't tell a very good story. At least we're lucky they even ask us... although a few times, they haven't asked us and just assumed we would participate when they're in town.

From what I can remember, we did 3 or 4 television shows, and the only acceptable one that was created was by Dateline NBC. In fact, I'm still friends with those guys and I have nothing but love and respect for them... and it's because they respect us (what up Josh!). Because then you have channels that think it's appropriate to make a television series called "Southern Fried Homicide"... and I can only hope they forget that these are the murders of real human beings that have real family members and loved ones that are still living real lives out in the world. Because how does the murder of people in the south relate to chicken or green tomatoes? It doesn't, they're just sensationalist. But I get it, what could be more sensational than the murder of a young, white, blonde haired, blue eyed woman from a small town in Louisiana? Not much... I guess.

The situation that spurred my motivation for writing this post today is because of an encounter I just had. A young woman added me on Facebook, and we had a lot of mutual friends so I just assumed we knew each other. And apparently we had a Spanish class together in college but regardless, when I looked at her profile after adding her and I saw that she worked for a production company in New York I had one of those "oh God, what have I done" moments. And sure enough, a few minutes later I received a message about a television show about Mickey. And I immediately said no... absolutely not. Then this young woman countered it by saying "no sorry this is about another missing person case I know you have been involved with and the non profit organization you created" so I said I would speak to the mother of the missing young lady whose case she was speaking about and get back to her. And then I connected the producer with the mother. I would love to talk about the organization and other cases I've worked on but I will never speak about my sister with one of those shows ever again. Well, it had been a few days so I started breathing a sigh of relief thinking that they were just going to do a show on this missing woman and I wouldn't have to participate... because, I know better than to think I could talk about RAMP without also talking about my sister on national television. Well, guess who messages me today saying that her boss said "this is really about Mickey's story"

EXCUSE ME? gurrrrrrrlllllllll. 
Whyyyy youuuu lyingggg thennnn? Mickey's story has been told time and time again, and she is represented by every single missing person case I have worked on since she went missing (which has been over 700 at this point), and I already told your company no... the level of disrespect is so real...why can't these people just be honest. I would never sell my soul to be a glorified con artist with the veil of "we tell people's stories to help other people"... because the internet doesn't exist and we haven't already done multiple shows and interviews.

And what really burns me up even more, is every time we turn down one of these "golden opportunities" to abuse my sister's privacy and rip open the still healing wounds from her murder... I give them lists of names of other missing person campaigns that desperately need the attention and assistance... and guess what? They NEVER approach those families. I just really don't understand. Maybe it's because their stories don't have conclusions yet, but since there's at least 3 other shows about Mickey, aren't they just copying and pasting the same material onto their show but adding a few extra words to make it look like their own work? Pretty sure we spent years in school learning that's not the way it works.

But I tell you what... I'm getting really tired of dedicating my time and energy to fighting people that think they can use Mickey's story for their own financial gain. And I don't mean to be insensitive to my sister at all, but she was extremely private and would want none of this. There's already a park, a bike lane, multiple news stories, a scholarship, multiple television shows, and non profit organization that have all been created in her name. And most of these things we didn't push for, it was offered to us and for beautiful reasons. Because Lafayette, I ain't mad atcha. The bike lane was needed and the pocket park is beautiful. But when will enough be enough? When can I go 3 months without some stranger thinking they can write a really great book about my sister's life? If Mickey would have wanted a book or a movie created... a book or movie would be created.

And now... I digress and apologize for my public venting. Mickey was a badass, a golden human being, an animal lover, a pocket rocket (as my aus friend would say), and very shy and private. Her friends, my friends, my family and I are still trying to move on. And all we want is to just remember Mickey for who she was and not for what happened to her. The only thing to remember about her murder is that she took a horrible human being off the streets that can no longer hurt other people.

With that being said, please join me in remembering the beautiful soul that was and is Michaela "Mickey" Elizabeth Shunick, who was taken from us 6 years ago this Saturday and would have turned 28 this coming Monday. And finally, may the people who want to use her story for their own personal gain piss off for eternity.

With love,
Charlie

Two Years

On this... the day of my two-year anniversary... I vow to blog a little more (I recently watched The Godfather 1 and 2 - number 2 is life changing). To be fair, I wrote quite a few posts throughout 2017 but I felt it was best not to share them. Most of them were at times that I was very upset about various things and once I cooled off I realized there was no point in sharing those thoughts. 

TWO YEARS since brain surgery. What is happening? Life is basically normal, although last weekend Jordan, one of my best friend's Jen, and I sat around talking about the ways that I am different. Jen used the word "blunt" but what she meant is that I'm bitchier now. It's not necessarily a bad thing that I'm more assertive but sometimes I could be nicer about things probably. It's been beneficial to me at work, but I think my friends are growing tired of my sassiness. I am still way too nice to my students so there's that. 

Brain updates: no tumor regrowth! My surgeon said based on the nature of the tumor, it's very unlikely it will ever grow back but that's not a 0% chance which means I will always worry about it. You should see me when it gets close to my MRI time... anxious, nervous wreck with a string of insomnia and binge eating wrapped around it. I had a bought of really bad headaches for about a month last year (with about 3 days of constant migraine) and I was convinced my tumor was growing back. I had already created a plan about when I would have surgery so I could recover and go back to work and how I would pay for it. But... no tumor, no cries. 

As far as seizures and auras go, it's been better but some of that stuff remains. I still get the occasional aura and it's always at the worst times... like when I'm teaching or at a party with people I don't know. No big partial seizures or tonic-clonic episodes have occurred (as far as I know, because if I were alone I may not). The generic Keppra, levetiracetam (try saying that 5 times fast), at the 2,000mgs I was taking every day was impacting my life on every level. I finally sat down with my neurologist, Dr. Peterson in November and asked if I could lower my dosage. I'm now taking 1,500mgs a day and life is brighter, beautiful, and better than ever. I take 750mgs in the morning and 750 at night and the difference is so marked. Before I was always lethargic and had nearly debilitating anxiety, and no energy. Just 500mgs less and I'm back to my old self. There is still some lethargy and some moderate anxiety but with enough sleep, a decent diet, and regular exercise I can overcome that. In defense of the Keppra... some of that could have been because I was still healing and recovering. For everyone that has ever experienced true, long lasting anxiety, I am so sorry. It is horrendous and completely out of your control. All you can do is try to make it a little bit better everyday. 

I do 100% believe that if I did not have this anti-convulsant medication, I would be having at least partial seizures greater than just a quick aura. Recently, I've developed an uncontrollable thumb twitch that happens several times a day. It's only been two weeks, but this is the type of movement I wrote off as something else in the past. I can't tell if it's muscle exhaustion, stress, or neurological so I'm waiting it out. I got a new phone for Christmas (thanks Daddy) and I've been on the computer pretty much nonstop so I'm hoping it is just over use of my hands. If worse comes to worse, I will have to increase my medication again -- but I REALLY don't want to. Another issue is happening while I sleep and it's some minor tongue and cheek biting on the right side of my mouth. I know it happens to everyone, but it happens frequently for me. I just started wearing a mouth guard this week to see if that will stop the chomping and grinding. When you have a seizure disorder (that I call epilepsy as a blanket statement), you have to figure out if you're having seizures for preventative measures. If I think I'm going to have a seizure, I don't want to be driving and hurt myself or someone else. This happened to my friend Jade recently and she literally had no idea she was having seizures until she woke up and her car was in a ditch. Luckily, she was ok.

Life updates: life is good. I'm going to put the past year in a nut shell and elaborate in later posts. Biggest news: I moved in with Jordan, and we still like each other. He and I make a good team and are truly a yin and yang couple. My parents and brother have already come to stay with us, it was really fun. My parents are almost done with renovating their home since the flood in 2016. Next big news: two of my best friends (Lyndsey and Matt) are getting married and I was asked to be a bridesmaid. Something I haven't mentioned is that aside from my super bestie Brooke, I've had a group of best friends for the last 12 years. All the girls have known each other for even longer than that, but Lyndsey, April, Dani, Jen, Meredith, and I will be friends forever and ever. Lyndsey made the mistake of asking April, Mer, and I to all be in her wedding but we have been doing a great job so far (with massive help from Loo's sister (the MOH) and cousin). The bachelorette trip is in 2 weeks -- I'll let you guys know if anyone breaks any bones. We are going to a cabin in the woods in Arkansas. 

I'm kicking my own butt at work. I was given the task of creating a forensic science lab and lecture with the hopes of one day having several classes students can take that want to go on and get a bachelor’s degree in forensic science. The class started this semester and so far, my class is going well and the students seem very excited, I can't wait to get into the dirty stuff. This summer I got quite a bit of training, I even went to a "forensic research facility" (aka a BODY FARM OMG) and I will never be the same. It doesn't matter how much you prepare, you can never prepare for seeing a human body, unpreserved, sitting in the Texas sun... and I saw quite a few bodies, at various stages of decomposition. 2017 was really a year of dead bodies, and I don't mean to sound insensitive when I say that, I just don't know how else to describe it. I went to a cadaver lab with one of my colleagues and his comparative anatomy class (excellent class, you should take it) and then I went to the body farm. It gave me a whole new perspective on life... and death. We are truly amazing animals, there's a reason we are at the top of the food chain. 

Nonprofit updates: I did my first bit of public speaking at SUNO located here in New Orleans. One of the mentors that I've been working with is Dr. Pamela Marshall that runs the Forensic Science program there. When we first met I told her about my organization and some of the research we were doing with a classmate of mine in conjunction with UL and the University of South Florida (it's HUUUUGE and I can't wait to share the findings). Pam has very similar goals for her program and thus, we hit it off immediately (thanks Clint). Pam asked if I would be willing to speak at SUNO about my experience with having a missing and murdered sister and what I have learned. Jordan and one of my bosses came with me for moral support because I knew I would be a bit of a mess, but I ended up doing very well. There were minimal tears although I did end up making half of the room cry. Speaking to students going into Forensic Science and Criminal Justice as a teacher and a human being was impactful for all of us. I hope I gave them some insight into what people on the other side of the case are going through. 

Also, as a quick note, I convinced the lead detective from my sister's case Stephen Bajat, to be on my advisory board for work. I don't know if he knew I would never leave him alone but every time I call, email, message, whatever... he responds with open arms. The Lafayette PD is filled with some loving, courageous, amazing individuals and I cannot say how much I appreciate them. 

RAMP is still kicking butt, my only regret is that I just don't have to time to dedicate to the other activities of running a business outside of paying bills, doing our taxes, and working on missing person cases. The classmate I mentioned earlier is Michelle Jeanis and she is now working at UL as an Assistant Professor in Sociology. She originally approached me about using our social media profiles to do research into missing person cases in late 2015, early 2016. When I tell you that this woman is kicking ass for missing people, it is an understatement.  Michelle and her team at the University of South Florida have already completed a massive study --publication pending-- and now we are planning on starting another one. We are looking into the impact of social media on missing person cases (FACEBOOK PLEASE STOP TRYING TO CHARGE ME TO SHARE INFORMATION ABOUT MISSING PEOPLE). She has made connections for us that I never could have done on my own. The RAMP team is still strong, and we are doing what we can. Our first priority, as always, is to work on missing person cases first, and try and raise money and reach our other goals second. Maybe one day I’ll come in and say “we got a huge grant and hired someone and everything is about to blow up” but for now, we are going to come out with our research and try to change society’s ides about missing people.

I have a lot more to say but this post is already entirely too long. I’ll be back soon with more stories about myself. The best thing about a blog is that you can be as egotistical as you want, because it’s a public diary. Love everyone, hope 2018 is treating you right.

365

It's been a weird year.

Truly, just one of the weirdest 365 days I could ever imagine. Aside from my personal issues and recovery... I mean...WOW. A lot of horrible, disturbing, and disgusting things have happened across the world. And obviously my country, America, is experiencing a truly polarizing experience with the recent election. And I would say that all-in-all the general energy throughout 2016 and coming into 2017 now has been extremely negative. I am also one of those crazy people who thinks that we all will unite again, eventually. It may just take 4-8 years...

---srsly aliens, wya?

But it has been an entire year since I had brain surgery. I still can't believe it. The journey since January 27, 2016 has been so interesting. And now my life is very close to the way it was before, with just a few changes. And before I go on, for anyone reading who is not my friend on social media I DO NOT HAVE ANY SIGNS OF TUMOR REGROWTH FROM MY 1 YEAR FOLLOW-UP MRI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I got very lucky and have been an exceptional patient, probably ideal really --- because well, most of the people who get astrocytomas are either lil' kids or pretty old people --- and here I am just living my life again. I'm not trying to brag here... I'm just astounded at the incredible beauty that is science and modern medicine... and I'm so happy I can use my hand and walk and remember things and just... live.

I think I said all the feeling was back in my scalp but that was a lie, I found a little numb patch today but it is very, very small. My anxiety has decreased significantly, it is at a point where I hardly think about it at all. Still in really crowded areas or high traffic areas I am kinda freaking out... And it also seems I've developed some road rage since I started driving again (I think I scare Jordan). -But have y'all driven in New Orleans??? Seems I'm a bit sassier in all aspects of my life actually which is interesting because I've never been an extremely aggressive person. Really, now, I just don't put up with other people's bullshit as much and I never pressure myself to do things I really don't want to do or have the energy for. I will say that the whole experience has put a huge damper on my social life. But I have stayed connected with most of my friends and I'm trying to make more time for them in the future.

The medication doesn't have the same effect on me anymore either, which is to say that I no longer live in a fog and I don't feel perpetually exhausted everyday...there are some days where I do have to fight myself to get things done though. The Keppra is definitely working, the few auras that I did have over the last year happened at times when I wasn't sleeping well, or when I was stressed out and I never had a true seizure. My neurologist did say to track the auras... which I have been, and that if they happen regularly enough we will likely have to increase the medication dosage (from 2,000 mgs to what? I have no idea. I can only assume my brain is very excitable). All-in-all I had probably about 15 auras in the last year and the last one I had was November 21. I think the biggest trigger for me is definitely sleep, but I also haven't pushed my limits on drinking or stress either. Dealing with having seizures will always be a learning experience, but my few friends who do have them act like they're no big deal. Maybe one day I won't be afraid of having a seizure anymore, but I still am at this point in my life. My neurologist actually recommended I see a therapist to learn to cope with the stress of epilepsy and the fact that the brain tumor could grow back at any time. I did consider it but haven't made a decision about it just yet. It's hard being indecisive.

Most of the vertigo is also gone... I am not sure it's even vertigo, it's just a dizziness that happens when I move my head up and down too quickly (which is vertigo lol). But healing has allowed me to finally be active again. Still struggling to go to the gym 4 or 5 days a week, but I have a schedule and I've been sticking to it. My hair has also grown quite a bit where the incision was... and it has been hilarious watching it grow back, especially since I have thick, curly hair. The "shorties" as I call them have a mind of their own and they're hard to manage. I can finally tuck them behind my ears. But usually it looks like I have puffy little blonde horns sticking up off my head... I catch people staring at them quite often and whole time I just think "oh god... what are my shorties doing right now" and it's usually something weird.

Work is also going very well, I do still struggle with finding words (or what a psychologist may call the "Tip of the Tongue" phenomenon except it happens constantly) but it certainly isn't like it was. Or maybe it is and I just don't care anymore. The real issue is, is that when I do have a brain fart I can't go around and tell everyone "sorry I had brain surgery and sometimes shit gets jumbled up in my brain"... and... sadly... seems I still can't remember a lot of people. To be perfectly honest, I really have struggled with recognizing and remembering people's names and faces ever since my sister was murdered. I always thought it was because we met literal 1000s of people every day, but it is just stress. Stress is also the reason I can't remember as many words. Stress is a hell of a drug.

All in all, my feelings about the recovery and seizure disorder in general is that I have control over it. I rarely have those days where I feel "seizurey" and when I do I just take it easy and the next day I usually feel better. And I really didn't think I would say that or feel that way ever in my life. But some things really are mind over matter. I know I have thanked everyone about 16,000 times but THANK YOU so much to everyone who has checked in, listened to me complain, or even just read the posts. My family, and my friends (and colleagues because they are forced to be my friends whether they like it or not), and Jordan and his family have been and continue to be such a solidly strong support system. People always ask me how I stay so strong and it's really because I have positive energy and love lifting me up... even when I don't want it to. I'll go ahead an end this post with a throw back picture from day 2 after my surgery. They had finally moved me out of the ICU and taken the catheter out... good times.

Awake again

Since the surgery life has been a blur. A blur in the way any stressful event is really... just so slow and also so fast, seems so long ago but it's also just happened. But man --- it's been over 9 months now. I feel like I'm finally back in the present and beginning to think about the future. And I gotta say, I do feel like a walking, talking medical marvel. I mean - I had a chunk of my brain removed less than a year ago and there is almost no change or difference in my life. Well.... my head has a huge dent actually... and I fear the day my hair begins thinning because I'm going to look so funny. And well, seems I still can't remember a lot of words, but this is all kind of besides the point.

I think the biggest adjustment I've had to make since the surgery is really adjusting to a life on anti-seizure medication. My complaints primarily revolve around the fact that I am always tired, always. It makes you feel just a hint of fogginess persistently and I'm sure eventually I will adjust and feel energized again. And to be fair, I have been extremely busy this semester. This effect does seem to worsen during certain stages of the menstrual cycle (and I'm really sorry to bring this up but I gotta put it down in case someone else who's recently had brain surgery reads this). But I know that seizures and epilepsy in general can be affected by menstruation and hormone fluctuations.

My second issue is that my temperature regulation is completely screwed up, meaning I think the drug is affecting my hypothalamus in some way... a colleague of mine "the other neuroscientist" as I like to call him, looked into it and it seems that may be the case after all. I cannot tolerate heat, I mean... at all. I feel like an 85 year old woman (no offense to you 85 year old women out there) but I have to sit down in the shade when I'm in an area that is hot. This week one of the classrooms I teach in regularly was super hot... I'm not sure why it was so hot, but it's been fixed and today it felt amazing. But anyway - hot classroom - one of these days it was so hot that I was in and out and feeling like I was going to pass out. And I did consider canceling class which sounds easy enough but these are 3 hour long labs and we only meet once a week. -- Obviously I made it through but I was definitely sweating by the end of that class. - Also, about a month ago I decided to go to an LSU game with Jordan and I couldn't tailgate. As soon as the sun hit me and I ran out of water I was out for the count. Like a post-menopausal woman, there I am sitting in front of the fan with a cold water bottle on my neck, taking deep breaths just about to lose it. My friends and Jordan had to keep checking on me and it really was just super embarrassing. I just want to have fun and be outside and live my life, and apparently I can't do that in the daylight anymore... maybe I'm becoming a real life vampire (without all the blood stuff). -- Side note... but even stranger, after this occurred my feet were so swollen, like little marshmallows and they stayed that way for hours. Edema, they jiggled when I walked... it was hilarious. (note: the edema had everything to do with my diet for the day and not drinking enough water, and nothing to do with the medication). I have a picture of my feet, but I'll spare you because it's weird looking at other people's feet.

A final complaint is sensitivity to loud noises. I cannot be places that are loud, it makes me immediately, irrationally agitated. Not aggressive, just extremely sassy and defensive. It's the weirdest sensation and I recognize, even at the time that it's ridiculous. Especially when it is a busy restaurant or grocery store. I don't really experience social anxiety anymore but I am certainly still struggling to do things that are loud and busy with a lot going on. Who knows.. maybe I'm just losing my mind. And trust me, I've thought about it... at this point in my life and stage of recovery it really is better to have a few minor side effects than to have seizures. Unfortunately I have had quite a few auras over the last few months but luckily, no seizures so it does seem the medication is working. And my stress and anxiety revolving around the possibility of having seizures has gone away for the most part. Some days when I'm feeling particularly bad I hope for a seizure so that feeling goes away and I know it sounds bizarre but the anticipation is just the worst. But as far as I know I have had any sort of partial or grand mal seizure, although apparently auras are classified as simple partial seizures. And my auras have a range of different times, sometimes it's just a few seconds, and sometimes they last several minutes... sometimes I just feel kind of buzzy all day long. Maybe a seizure disorder is also like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get.

It's been such a long time since I've written a post that I truly don't know where to begin. School started obviously and the semester is about to come to end now actually... I think we have about 2 and a half weeks left until finals begin. This has been a particularly busy and challenging semester so I can't say I'm not waiting for winter break. But I gotta say, my job really is super fun. And I get to do a lot of amazing things and meet a lot of amazing people.

I went into Lafayette for Art Walk in August and it just so happened to be the weekend the water gates opened up and flooded the entire city. I couldn't believe it when my dad woke me up at 7:00am and told me to move my car because it was flooding outside. The water kept rising, and rising and rising and by 9:30am water was coming into the house. And it just kept rushing in. I stood there and watched water come through the walls, it was so crazy. And my parents entire bottom floor had to be demo'd and reno'd and of course my family didn't have flood insurance like many of the residents in the area but, well... that's life I guess. We got off easy, a lot of families in the area lost their entire homes and all of their belongings and of course FEMA didn't provide assistance to many of the people who requested it. And because it's Lafayette the city came together, helped each other and got even stronger in the wake of the devastation. It was actually the weekend before classes started and I was extremely worried I would have to miss my first day of classes. Somehow I made it back to New Orleans in the 6 hour window where I10-E wasn't flooded through Baton Rouge.

This is their front yard.

 
My parent's backyard, and my mom's very large green house.

My bestie I told you all about who found out she was pregnant in late January had a perfect, beautiful daughter almost 2 weeks ago. Bailey and her husband Pete are so happy and filled with love and I already know their child is going to have such a fantastic life. I'm proud of you guys!

I renewed my membership at my gym again in early September, lying to myself that I would really start exercising again. Don't get me wrong... I tried to at first but now I haven't been in almost a month. What a shame. I've just been too tired and too busy and at work I walk at least 5 miles a day so that's kind of like exercise... right? I usually wear heels too, and I feel like heels burn more calories than flats -- no scientific evidence supports this theory though. I do think it's funny, all the lies we tell ourselves or tasks we suddenly have when it's time to work out. And as most of us know, you always feel pretty good after working out and think "huh that wasn't so bad" - maybe I'll go to the gym tomorrow (maybe not). I'm actually planning on baking a ton of pie tomorrow, for no other reason than I have a pumpkin and a lot of apples. And I feel like baking pies all day may be too time consuming to be able to exercise hahahaha. But seriously... I should probably start taking better care of my heart.

Not much else to report on really. It does seem my temporary period with no clumsiness has passed and I am back to bruising myself and breaking things on a regular basis. One of my other besties Jen claims there's a gene that increases your chances of being clumsy and I'm not sure I buy it but I really thought it was because of the brain tumor. But no.. it's really just a part of me, where there is Charlie there is a trail of broken, dirtied, and destroyed things. I can't say I've been sleeping very well either, which could be the true source of the clumsiness. Unfortunately I'm still really not able to garden, it's just been way too hot. And I am still having just the slightest blood pressure issues that prevent me from getting up and down. I'm hoping it will cool down the next few weeks and I'll be able to weed the garden and get some cold weather crops in the ground. I did harvest 2 really beautiful, delicious pineapples that took me 3 years to grow.

What else is there to say right now? Way to go Cubs, congratulations on your massive, astounding win! I love the Saints and Drew Brees is getting me so many fantasy points! What the hell is up with election and does anyone else have the dread cloud hovering over them? But still, get out there and vote folks.

It's been a long time

Well... I haven't made a post in a while. The funny thing is I've actually written 3 blogs over the course of the last few months but I couldn't bring myself to finish them. They were about various topics: one was about how frustrated I was about a few things that were going on, another was remembering my sister, Mickey, and the other was about dealing with remembering Mickey. Maybe that's why I didn't finish them. I'm not sure. May is also a tough month though, I can tell you that much.

But aside from not following up on a few of those, the main reason I haven't been updating lately is because I've been busy. And believe it or not, it's a great problem to have. I started teaching again for the summer semester. I was really nervous about what would happen at first but it has been amazing. I suppose the beginning was a little rocky because I had to review a few things and get back on a rhythm. Teaching anything requires a certain rhythm and movement through the material and that skill is learned. And it's kind of like riding a bike, you get back on and practice a few times and then you're riding miles and miles. I suppose that how it feels after taking 4 months off. I'm still struggling with remembering certain words, especially in conversation but it's usually more funny than a hinderance. And the good thing is that I haven't forgotten any of the material I teach in class. I actually think getting back in the classroom is helping my brain heal, I feel sharper and sharper everyday and my social anxiety has nearly disappeared. I'm also starting to complete tasks a lot quicker so I feel 99% myself again.

Someone from my surgeon's office called the other day to check in on me. I told him about a few different things that are still happening. He said as long as each thing was improving steadily, it's a great sign. He also said most people who have had brain surgery report feeling "off" for a long time after the surgery and I guess that's the only word I have to describe how I feel now. Things are just a little bit different now. But it's such a small difference that you just can't put your finger on it.

Monday is the 5 month anniversary. I can't believe it's only been 5 months since I had brain surgery and I'm like a normal human being again. My strength levels are fully restored although I am a weakling now because I haven't really worked out since January. I have been doing a bit of exercise here and there but mostly I'm still walking a lot. I'm still having slight vertigo issues which makes it hard to do exercises that require up and down motions or a lot of movement. I'm sure the more I practice, the better that will become. ....I will say this though... Jillian Michaels, I am so glad you and your at home workout videos exist. Thank you. --- My scalp is still numb and it has been really, really itchy this week. It hasn't itched in such a long time and suddenly I can't scratch it enough. I did go a little overboard yesterday though... I scratched it way too much. Last night, it was sore and painful to touch and now I have a killer headache today. Another wonderful mile stone in my health is NO SEIZURES! I haven't experienced anything even close to an aura since late March. Jordan tells me I'm crazy, but sometimes I can feel a seizure wanting to come and then it just stops. Maybe I am making it up in my head, who knows. But it's the same feeling I would get just before my hand spasmed --- I feel it building up and then at the point I would normally have a partial seizure the feeling just dissipates. It's probably the medication. Keppra is still not really affecting me in any negative ways. It does make you feel drowsy and since I take it in the morning and at night, I always feel kind of sleepy, but not really. And I have started socializing. I still get a little anxious sometimes, especially in loud, bright places but that improves everyday. It's definitely a thought I have in the back of my head now, even when I'm in the middle of a conversation I notice that something doesn't feel quite right. I don't know...

Since it's been about 2 months since I last posted, quite a few great things have happened. I've seen some old friends and caught up with a lot of people I needed to see. I'm finally getting some work for the non profit done again and we just finished an event in New York. We are also getting ready for our 3rd Annual Artwalk that takes place every August in Lafayette. So if anyone out there is interested, we need artists and crafters interested in hanging some stuff and donating a portion of their sales to the organization :-) :-) :-). Jordan bought a house!!! A HOUSE! That's such an adult thing to do. It's a really beautiful home, and he keeps it very clean... very. clean. Of course, I have already broken two glass things and spilled and destroyed a few things but it wouldn't be my life if I wasn't messing up something with my clumsiness (so yes, some of the clumsiness has returned... that's just part of who I am I guess). - Anyway, I also bought a car... another very adult thing to do. Having some freedom again has made all the difference in the world, I am so much happier. My friend is also pretty close to having her baby, I have a few other friends with kids but this is my first super best friend who is going to have a baby. I'm intrigued to say the least, and very excited for her and her husband!

I will be seeing my neurologist at the end of next month for my 6 month check up. I will also be getting the second follow-up MRI then. I'm not going to pretend I'm not a little nervous. The tumor could be growing back already, it's not a strong possibility ... but I'm sure I'll be nervous every single time I get an MRI for the rest of my life. But it's better to know, that avoid the fact that one day the tumor may come back and now we will just catch it way earlier.

I want to end this particular post by saying this... I am saddened and heart broken about the events that took place in Orlando. Our lives are too short to harbor hatred against any and all groups of people. Please hug your neighbors, support your community and love all people. And all of us really need to learn to stop being so damn offended by everything. Sending out my love to all of you, until next time...

Back to Reality

It's been a while since I've written a blog post. I've missed this blog and writing about my experience, and I do have a few updates and things to share. I didn't even realize I hadn't posted in a while because I'm back in the "real world" and it really wasn't until a colleague and a friend of mine mentioned it that I was like "oh yeah, it's been 3 weeks since I've posted" and to quote my colleague "you haven't blogged in a while, how do I know how itchy your head is?" hahahaha I can't stop laughing at that. For the record... it's still very itchy. VERY. ITCHY. And people keep catching me while I'm patting it. And on a positive note, my numb spot is becoming smaller and smaller everyday, although most of it is still very numb. Buttttt, parts that I couldn't feel a few weeks ago are recovered... and itchy.

Other people literally cannot believe I had brain surgery less than 3 months ago, I keep telling them it's because I'm a superior healer (which actually isn't true... Thanks a lot periods, I LOVE losing iron every month) and because I only lost a handful of neurons. To be clear, I'm not sure exactly how much actual brain tissue I lost but it wasn't very much. Probably no more than the amount you lose on a long weekend filled with mimosas and martinis and not enough sleep. Well, maybe a little more... but you get the point. I'm feeling a lot stronger, now I'm strong enough to be up to doing most things but I'm so out of shape and soft all over hahaha. Every woman's dream. The one thing I do notice is that my stamina is fairly low, I can go "full force" into something ... but only for about 15 minutes before I have to stop ... or get distracted. My memory seems to be getting better, although I'm still losing certain words, especially in conversation. --- Like, instead of using the word "drain" I might say "that covered hole that water goes into from the tub" and people look at me and they're like "uhhh... the drain?" and then we laugh together like it's a funny joke, because it is funny but it's also because there's a hole in my brain. That precious little hole. I do have these moments of "blankness" where my eyes basically cross and I lose complete focus. Jordan calls it "checking out" and he can tell by the look on my face when I do it. It can happen at any time - in the middle of a conversation, for instance. Concentrating and staying on task are now things that I'm working on hahaha. I don't feel that bad because these are things that people struggle with without brain surgery soooo... But I do actively have to try to pay attention. My headaches and anxiety are so much better. I rarely get headaches now, sometimes at the end of a particularly long day or in the morning if I didn't sleep well... and my anxiety only occurs in really really crowded places. I even went to the mall last week, and did perfectly fine. My sleeping seems to improving as well, although I have been taking a melatonin supplement before bed but I'm averaging about 7.5 hours a night on any given week which isn't half bad.

I worked out for the first time since my surgery last week. Well to clarify, Jordan brought me to the gym and he lifted a bunch of weights and I walked around a track and got on the elliptical for 20 minutes. But this is a huge accomplishment because the last time I got on an elliptical, I had 2 partial seizures after. So I'll take it. One of the biggest fears I have about being active again, is pushing myself. Anything that stimulates me also makes my hand feel weird, which makes me worry about losing control, which makes me hold back. And really.. the scariest thing about epilepsy is probably the fact that you don't have complete control. Hopefully I'll grow beyond this fear, and I know that I probably will but it's really tough constantly worrying about what will trigger my next episode, or if there will even be an episode again. Especially since I really don't know if my next seizure will be a full-blown tonic clonic seizure or just a little hand spasm or something else. And the truth is... if I do have another seizure... so what? I can't stop it, and I won't even know it's happening if it is a grand mal because I'll black out. But it's still scary to think about. But to try and counteract that fear I have been biking a bit (ok, really only twice), kind of walk-jogging, I got on the elliptical and now there's no turning back. I've been walking a looooooooot, a whole lot. I've been having to uber to work a lot more because it's not always easy to get a ride in the mornings so I've been walking home after work, sometimes. -- These past few weeks have been the rainiest weeks in history so it's sometimes hard to get somewhere on foot.

Well...This is my 4th week back at work, work is going well. I have proctored a few exams (meaning a literally sat there and watched adults take a test), which requires little skill but I had to stand and speak in front of a group of people -- which was one of my fears because I didn't want to black out -- or seizure out. For the first class I proctored, my hands were literally shaking as I was passing their exams out because I was so nervous about just being there.. But trust me... it's not the students that scare me anymore, nor is it the possibility of getting something wrong or not knowing the answer to the question. It's really just the fear of not wanting to lose it. I'm going to have to write about the first time I taught sometime because it is hilarious and kind of sad... To make a long story short, I didn't know what the hell I was doing and I was absolutely terrified. Prepared on the material, but no idea how to conduct a class, especially not a lab. Anyway, back to work stuff ... I also subbed for a class and taught a little bit. It wasn't about something I know intimately well but I did get to help students along the journey to find the right answer. I also couldn't give them answers because they were doing graded work for another professor but I told them some stuff I knew about muscles. This week a class is dissecting sheep brains so I am going to be sitting in on that later today! We get to dissect a lot of stuff (remind me to tell you about my office-mate with a jar of kitten heads). I scheduled my summer classes so I will be teaching!!! If anyone in the area needs to take a Nutrition class or Anatomy and Phys. II, hollaaaaa atcha girl. I'm excited to get back to teaching, it's so much fun.

A fun thing I did was have some wine and stay up a little too late with 3 of my best friends 2 weekends ago. They came in for a concert and to go skydiving (neither of which I could do) but we also got to spend a lot of time together. They got pretty tipsy and we had some wine and champagne. One thing I have been thinking about is how to pace myself and adjust to not being able to go wild anymore. And I didn't feel pressured to drink more or less... I very easily stuck to my glass and a half of wine or champagne. The good news is, I'm a VERY cheap date now. Sunday morning we had some mimosas... 1 and a half mimosas later I was drunk and they were all just looking at me like... "we don't feel tipsy at all" hahahaha. And even better... even though I had a little bit of booze two days in a row I did not have a hang over, nor did I have a seizure the next day. So I can still be a little fun, I'm just not going to be taking tequila shots or funneling beers anymore (I know, I shouldn't be funneling beers anymore because I'm 28 but I live in freaking New Orleans).

My THREE month mark is coming up next week and I can't believe it. For all the stress and tears and money and time... it's been a very steady climb back up (or back down off the mountain top, really). Luckily I am pretty young. One of my latest irrational fears is that the tumor will grow back when I'm a little older and it will be much harder to heal and get back to normal. But, truly, the worst part about my life right now is constantly worrying about seizures, not being able to drive, and not being able to take baths. As "first world problem" as this sounds... not driving is a massive burden. I don't know how people do it. I really don't. They must plan out their whole day based on when and where they can get a ride. A lot of cities have very poor methods of public transportation and New Orleans is no different, especially if there's no access to the street cars... which of course there isn't in my neighborhood. And I could take the bus... if I want to leave 3 hours before I need to be at work (that I live less than 3 miles away from). But my options right now are: asking someone to come pick me up and bring me (which my lovely friend at work does often), biking (which is probably a little dangerous), walking (which takes 40 minutes but I am lucky to be able to do), or ubering. Generally speaking, I uber in the morning... which really isn't so bad. But yesterday, there was a convention in town so my normal $5 or $6 fair was $12 instead. It's not really an issue of money though more than having no real control over when I get somewhere and when I leave. It's either a nice long walk, or waiting on a friend or Jordan, or trying to direct an uber driver around our campus. Our campus is an massive issue because none of our parking lots connect, and the uber app drops the GPS marks at the wrong building all the time. I had a mini meltdown about not driving last weekend because I'm just tired of depending on other people. It's nice but it's also hard, especially because I really like to do my own thing and now I can't... to a certain degree. And not taking baths... oh noooooo, I miss my human soup soaking time.


I finally haven't seen any doctors in about a month. They're all incredible and I respect and appreciate them, but I was so tired of going from one doc to the next to the next. I do see my neurologist in June for a general check up, and to make sure I'm not feeling anxious or seizurey but life is definitely good again. I know I'll be very familiar with hospitals for the rest of my life but I never want to stay over night in one ever again. I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the month. For all my teacher friends out there... only 3 weeks left until a blissful summer. Unless you're teaching summer classes/school.. then only 3 weeks until we get 3 weeks off before classes start again!!